A very personal gift

Paul: Now, I know I wasn’t supposed to get you anything, but I saw this and thought of you.
John: Oh, um, thanks.
Paul: Open it! Open it!
John: The Path Of The Green Man? Gay… Wicca? But I’m not…
Paul: Look, I know that it’s been hard for you, but it’s time you came out as gay wiccan. You own all the seasons of Charmed, you have that crazy wood necklace thing, you wrote that fantasy book back in college…
John: …wait wait wait, that’s something else entirely.
Paul: It’s okay! I won’t tell anyone, you can tell other people whenever you’d like, or not at all. But always know that I’m totally okay that you believe in gnomes or whatever. Okay?
John: Oh. Good to know.
Paul: Just, you know, try to be so obvious all the time, okay babe?
John: What?
Paul: Oh, um, just don’t broadcast your wiccaness to everyone all the time. Like, when you painted our apartment’s walls green and had us all read Harry Potter, I was like, ugggg, too much witches, you know?
John: The… Fuck?
Paul: I love you John!
John: Goddamnit.

How to change the meaning of a band name forever

So here’s how it went down. I brought up a song by the doyouinverts in a forum discussion over at MeFight Club. The band name in question is a reference to the common option in games to invert the y-axis when it comes to camera controls, meaning that if you move “down” on that camera control the camera will look “up.” For some people that’s more natural, but it’s all Dvorak to me.

Anyway! Another member at MeFight responded to the “the doyouinverts” with:

Uh, son, we don’t hold with Proust ’round here.

Having no idea what he was blathering about, I asked what he meant. Here is where it all changed forever:

Proust self-identified as an “invert” and thought straight people were abnormal. I thought you were making an obscure literary reference!

Oh no, doyouinvert isn’t a literary reference! Oh no no no not at all.

Still, this now makes the band name into a pleasingly vague sexual reference. And this one has psychological depth! Thanks Proust. I mean, ‘the doyouinverts’ was sort of sexual before (money lyric: “When was the last time/ you let me invert my stick?”). Now though, oh boy.

So yea, I guess I now have a new private meme. Just to let you know, if I’m asking you if you invert it means that I want to know if you are sexually attracted to those of the same gender (“don’t care if you’re bi or gay/ just that you invert, hay hay hay”). Also, if I start laughing when I notice that you invert your controls you now know why.

Oh! And if you want to know, the song I was referencing was 7 out of 10. Someone was rating comments on a ten point scale and mentioned that he graded “AHRD.” True to his word, no one has got a score above a 7.23 yet.

Don’t tell people how to run their personal sites for them

I know that this is the internet and the rules of etiquette haven’t been set in stone yet, but if you are going to follow any code on the internet please make sure that you don’t call people out for over-posting on personal pages. No one is making you read what they post, and on systems like Twitter and Facebook there are easy ways to avoid their activity. Since what they are saying is not directed at you, unlike the direct messages that make up Facebook spam and other things worth getting mad over, you can’t say that they are really wasting your time. In the same vein, what they are doing is not on a shared space like a blog or a forum so there is no harm to a collective space being done.

It’s only acceptable at all to bring it up this kind of posting if it’s such a problem that you stop reading what they do, and even then only in the most polite tone possible. There is probably room for improvement in one’s posting habits if their content pushes people away, but that is such a small sin that making any kind of fuss about it only serves to make you look like a jerk.

As you might expect, there is something that happened recently that sparked this post. I’m not going to say much about it, but suffice it to say that the people complaining about it were doubly pathetic because the posts they were so worked up about were only 140 characters long.

I’m a martyr (on metafilter)

I was spending this last day on campus before summer hanging out in my dorm floor’s lounge with my lappy. This usually means I end up ignoring what is actually going on around me, a problem when funny things go down. But this time the fact that I was directly hooked into the internet at least led somewhere.

It started with a idle thought by a friend of mine while he was packing all the random crap in our lounge into the celling for next year. He stands on the arm of the couch I’m sitting on, looks down at me and asks, “If you smoked a cigar with your butt would you get colon cancer?”

“Yes, if you smoked enough.”

“If you had a three pack a day butt smoking habit.”

“But from just one, no, right? I’m going to ask IRC.”

And I did, and it was in the channel for the Metafilter TF2 group. No one had an answer, but it cracked a few people up. One of the guys there said it was totally AskMetafiler worthy, which lead me down the dark path toward this post (You may notice the clever title for the post is “Blowing smoke up my ass.” That was by the same friend in IRC who pushed me into posting this.):

If you smoked a cigar with your butt would you get colon cancer?

It was a weird question a friend of mine had and now I just have to know.

I assume that if you get into a cigar a day butt smoking habit you’ll get cancer of some sort eventually. But would it be colon? And can you really smoke a cigar in your ass, and if you did would you have to inhale? Can you inhale with your butt? And if you could, would the smoke or other carcinogens get to your colon?

I assume we’ll never know because I don’t think anyone will get in the habit of butt smoking, but please help me settle this bet.

After I had this post all written out I sat around getting nervous. I still didn’t want to do it. It wasn’t because I thought it was going to get deleted, which as you can see is what happened (“This post was deleted for the following reason: not here please. because it is hypothetical and because it is about butt inhalation”). I was more afraid that it wasn’t going to be deleted and I’d be known as the ass smoking guy. I could post something awesome, like an epic list or something like that, and every would be all, that’s the ass smoking guy! But by the time I wrote, titled and tagged it I had gone too far to turn back. I posed that bitch!

The first comment (which was deleted) was “Posting while drunk.” I actually wasn’t drunk when I wrote this but I decided that pouring a little rum into my Coke was probably a good idea. The alcohol made the little star that ignited inside of me each time my question was favored burn just a little bit brighter.

Though I only got 16 answers in the end, there was some interesting stuff put in there. I marked this one by ohshenandoah “best answer” even though the question got deleted. Good answers deserve a little reward.

lining of mouth = mucous membranes
lining of butthole = mucous membranes

seems like cigar smoke would trigger the same irritation and ulceration in mouth or butthole.

Plenty of people take medicine as suppositories, the drugs absorb quickly. As a nicotine delivery system, you could catch a buzz.

Finally, I read as a child regarding a yogi practitioner. He could lie in a bathtub full of water and suck the water thru his anus into his intestines. With a few years of training, you could learn to inhale and exhale cigar smoke. (#)

This one by TedW is especially cool for bringing up Le Petomane, so he gets a best answer too.

One cigar would probably not do it, but repeated exposure to the carcinogens in smoke certainly could cause cancer. The first reported link between occupational exposure to chemicals and cancer was made by Sir Percival Pott, who noted that chimney sweeps had high rates of scrotal cancer due to exposure to soot.

As to the mechanics of smoking via the anus, Joseph Pujols, AKA Le Petomane, did it as part of his act, so it is possible. (#)

And then there’s crapmatic messing around.

You know, back in 1979 I never thought one day that I’d be on some global computer network answering a question about smoking a cigar through one’s butt. I can only wonder what wonders 2039 holds, and that makes me a little bit excited about the future. (#)

Who knows what kind of weirdness would have been posed had the thread continued?

====================

Was my post deletion bullshit? Well, of course it was. People talk about gross things on AskMetafilter all the time, as well as purely hypothetical questions. I guess that by being both my post crossed the line just barely, but this is hardly good form on jessamyn‘s part (jessamyn being the admin who’s icy hand of judgement came down and swept my post of the main page). This was especially the case when she originally deleted my post with no other reason than “not here please,” but she covered her ass with the rest of the explanation later.

I’m not really mad, though. It’s not as if she closed my account and the question itself is still around for posterity. In any case, it’s a lot cooler to be the guy whos AskMe about ass smoking was deleted than just being the guy who asked about ass smoking.

Trolling Metafilter

So far I’ve posted 4 things to Metafilter, each receiving different levels of response. By far the best thing that I linked to, a British band that writes songs about videogames, got the least amount of activity, but what cha gonna do? At least those three comments were all awesome.

It was my most recent post that got the most comments (96!) and favorites, though I put the least amount of thought into it. I probably shouldn’t have posted it at all, but I had just spent a sizable chunk of time making a a big linky post about A Life Well Wasted before figuring out that someone had already posted about it. I felt like if I couldn’t post about that I should post about something else. In other words, I got Metafilter blue-balls. So when a rather cool video showed up I rushed to post it before anyone else did. Here is the text of the post itself, since it’s so short I might as well put it up:

13,500 people singing Hey Jude in London’s Trafalgar Square. Thanks T-Mobile! (previously)

This is the second video that T-Mobile had made in this mold, the previous one bein posted to Metafilter without being deleted despite its Pepsi Blue-ity. Resonably cool and obviously within the guidelines? Time to post that shit up!

Now, despite the title of this post I didn’t put this up because I thought it would get a bunch of funny responses, though if I thought it would impress someone I totally could lie and said I did. It was a perfect storm really, no event could be designed to irritate the anti-commercial glands of so many MeFites any more than a bunch of people singing Hay Jude poorly for the benefit of a cell-phone company. Let’s watch the fireworks! (warning: I use the magic of editing to make everything sound worse than it actually is.)

====================

The description of the YouTube video calls this event spontaneous even though it very obviously was about as spontaneous as D-Day. I guess spontaneous sounds closer to the mood the advertisers were going for than meticulously planned. When I posted the link I deliberately used different wording to describe the event, and in any case it was pretty cool whether it was planned or not. Still, tapeguy took the suspicion of planning a bit too far.

The worst thing about this is all the ‘spontaneous’ shots of people ‘spontaneously’ wearing pink hats, waving pink scarves or holding pink umbrellas.

T-Mobile’s corporate colour is pink, as if you couldn’t guess. (#)

I watched the video after reading this, and to be honest if the idea was to have the audience look like a sea of pink they obviously failed. This comment brought to mind the lady who thought her daughters DS was saying Islam is the light more than anything really.

====================

Just because it is a lot of people, just because it is an iconic song, just because it’s an ad for a cell phone company, does not automatically make it good, interesting, amusing, heartwarming or worth 4 minutes of my time…. (#)

No editing done here, it actually was that bad. Thank you HuronBob for making me feel like a total asshole for about three minutes. :p

====================

It would be undyingly cool IF: * it were possible to get a crowd together to sing en masse without the participation of a global cellular provider * people would participate without the lure of possibly appearing on television * events such as these were to happen regularly, and not simply for the benefit of cameras. (#)

Hippybear is actually being kind of reasonable here…

hippybear, may i suggest to you [North Korean] mass games? (#)

Ha! The aloha just compared hippybear to communists, which is kind of like comparing him to Hitler, which is a beautiful thing. This is in jest, but still, lololololololololololololol.

Hippybear doesn’t really do himself any favors with the following statement.

hrm…. while I appreciate the artistry in the North Korean events, I’m not certain the system required to produce such results are any better than the prospect of a truly Global Cellular System. In fact, should that actually happen, we all may look to North Korea as a bastion of freedom in such a bleak landscape. (#)

Not really sure what he means there, but from what I gather he means to say that cell-phone companies are worse than Hitler.

====================

One of the ways that I accidently made this post a perfect troll attempt was by putting “Thanks T-Mobile!” in the original post. I mean, I had to mention somewhere in the post that it was an ad for a cell-phone company, and that little burst was simply the shortest way to do so. If there is one thing Twitter has taught me it is the importance of brevity. Of course, my over enthusiastic support of our cellular overlords probably didn’t endear me to the haters in the thread. For example, a reference to it shows up in the climax of this amusing tirade by criticalbill that would have gotten posted here no matter what I wanted to illustrate with it.

On Friday i saw an Evening Standard billboard with the headline “13,000 in mass karaoke party”. I thought, “imagine the wait to sing your song”
On saturday morning I got a text from T-mobile advertising their new advert. “watch it on ITV at 9pm this evening,” it said. “As if I’m going to plan my bank holiday weekend around a bleedin’ advert,” I thought to myself. And this is despite the fact that I am already a T-mobile customer, and I hate them, just not as much as Orange.
Anyway, so there I was at 9pm watching Britain’s Got Talent on ITV and on came this advert. Oh, I said, this is that ad. A bunch of people singing Hey Jude? What is this nonsense? This is rubbish.
So on Monday morning I come onto Metafilter and someone’s posted a link? People are saying how heart-warming it is. My hipster credentials are apparently bona fide. I am an incorrigible cynic for finding a corporate advert to be manipulative and unimaginative. Oooh look how happy those people look as they sing a song. That could never happen without the involvement of a someone trying to sell something. I mean that is capitalism isn’t it. Without people trying to inveigle us to appear in their adverts our lives are just empty, meaningless specks of despair. Thanks T-Mobile!!
Conclusion: Pepsi blue, with added get me a fucking break

On Friday i saw an Evening Standard billboard with the headline “13,000 in mass karaoke party”. I thought, “imagine the wait to sing your song.”

On saturday morning I got a text from T-mobile advertising their new advert. “watch it on ITV at 9pm this evening,” it said. “As if I’m going to plan my bank holiday weekend around a bleedin’ advert,” I thought to myself. And this is despite the fact that I am already a T-mobile customer, and I hate them, just not as much as Orange.

Anyway, so there I was at 9pm watching Britain’s Got Talent on ITV and on came this advert. Oh, I said, this is that ad. A bunch of people singing Hey Jude? What is this nonsense? This is rubbish.

So on Monday morning I come onto Metafilter and someone’s posted a link? People are saying how heart-warming it is. My hipster credentials are apparently bona fide. I am an incorrigible cynic for finding a corporate advert to be manipulative and unimaginative. Oooh look how happy those people look as they sing a song. That could never happen without the involvement of a someone trying to sell something. I mean that is capitalism isn’t it. Without people trying to inveigle us to appear in their adverts our lives are just empty, meaningless specks of despair. Thanks T-Mobile!!

Conclusion: Pepsi blue, with added get me a fucking break (#)

====================

So yea, I tried to write a reason for posting this up here but I couldn’t think of one other than SO THERE.

Just to make sure you know that I’m cooler than all of you

Literally the day after I end a post on my shitty blog by killing myself and having Keyboard Cat play me off that meme by having Keyboard Cat play me off it shows up in a hugely popular post on Metafilter. I could have been cool like that! I could have got, what, 123 comments and 68 fucking favorites. I could have made a meme jump to our good friend Waxy (who got it from some guy’s Del.ic.ious and it was tagged via:metafilter), the kind of guy who could take it places. Jesus.

I thought it wasn’t good enough for Metafilter! I thought it was really really obscure and just a continuation of many other memes. Hell, one of the videos is just the kid zombie who says “I like turtles” all over again. I guess I was wrong.

And man, this wasn’t the first time. I watched the following video of dogs dressed as people ages ago and thought it was the bees knees.

I post it to the MeFight Club forum and guess where it ends up the next day? And from a guy who I don’t think is a member of MeFight Club.

I have the worst of luck with these things, but at least time there is proof, proof I say that I’m cooler than all of y’all.

How to read this blog

Just imagine that everything I say is happening while you are making sweet gay love to a videogame character. Then your mom calls to ask how your classes are going and you pleasantly chat while Marcus Fenix lays on his belly sticking his cute little rump in the air. Eventually he gets annoyed and leaves, but you don’t care cause Gears of War sucked anyway. Actually, that’s a lie, it probably wasn’t that bad but you couldn’t get past the whole army of bros macho bullshit to actually play the thing.

You briefly conceder working on that paper about criminal rights in east Asia but instead bum around Metafilter for a while which makes you feel smarter than writing a horrible paragraph about forced confessions ever would. Eventually 5 o’clock in the morning comes around and you drink a few cups of coffee and actually start to work on that paper. When you turn it in three hours later it’s surprisingly adequate.

Oh shit! It's Nikola Tesla and his balls of flame!

Oh shit! It's Nikola Tesla and his balls of flame!

For lunch you have a bagel with cream cheese and a Cherry Coke and you realize that nothing bad ever happens to you. Then a man who may or may not look like David Bowie walks up behind you. He slowly builds up balls of flame in his hands and looks at you threateningly. You begin to bargain with him that even though you aren’t doing anything productive with your life right now there is potential in everyone, even you. He laughs and says that this never was about that at all. Soon you are a burnt to a crisp, and keyboard cat plays you off.

Godspeed you gay, game playing college student.